Jon and Bob: Sahara Nuts

Wandering through the jungle, he could hear the sound of ants transforming into elephants, and baboons changing into giraffes. Yes, the jungle that Jon was carefully stepping through was becoming something else, right in front of his eyes. Jon felt his clothes change into safari-wear. His hardhat turned into a flagpole, and his shorts went on fire. He ran around uncontrollably, but that simply fanned the flames. They spread up to his shirt that was unfortunately made from pure butane, so it went aflame pretty easily. Jon jumped onto his friend Bob, who also caught fire. However, Bob was immune to fire due to an unfortunate (or fortunate in this case) accident with some pebbles, a telephone and tarmac. It was a memory that Bob had blanked from his mind for this entire adult life.

A tall swarthy-skinned man, wearing only a sculpted piece of wood, a lampshade, and a CD case of “Dean Martin’s Greatest Hits”, approached the men.
“I can help you with your fire situation, but you need to do me a favour.” Said the swarthy-skinned man.
Jon and Bob gave a slight nod of recognition as they were trying to put out the flames.
“I need you to bring me a stick of menthol chewing gum, smothered in barbeque sauce,” proposed the man.
Luckily, Bob was carrying a packet of his favourite menthol chewing gum, and a bottle of his favourite barbeque sauce. He whipped up the delicacy for the man and handed it to him. The man chewed on the chewing gum like it was a piece of tin foil in the mouth of an otter. Having had their side of the deal held up, Jon and Bob were waiting to see how the man would put out the fire that had nearly consumed Jon in their wait. The man took out a didgeridoo, and played "Working for the Weekend" by Loverboy. This summoned a small storm cloud made of tight red leather trousers and jackets, and a yellow headband. It rained sweet drops of cheesy 80's glam rock and DVDs. The cheesy 80's glam rock scared the fire away and it started a new life in Dubai with an expensive mail-order wife.

Jon and Bob both shook the man's hand, then realised that they didn't know where it had been. This mystery intrigued both of them, so they licked their hands clean. This made both of them very very sick. Jon threw up the pictures that he swallowed whenever he was younger, the pictures he ate in an attempt to drown out the memories. Bob laughed at Jon's expense whilst being sick onto a mirror that lead into another world. Bob fell through the mirror, so Jon joined him. It couldn't be worse than the jungle, could it?

Jon and Bob found themselves in the Sahara desert, it may not have been the best idea after all. They crawled through the scorching heat to look for water. They could only look forward, as it required too much energy to look left or right. This was a shame because if they'd looked to their right they would have seen the Irish Sea, and if they'd looked to their left they would have seen Blackpool Pleasure Beach. This was not Africa, it was in fact Lancashire, in England. Jon and Bob continued to crawl through the thick sand and began to wonder why there were lots and lots of kids running around, and people riding donkeys. They figured they were hallucinating, Jon read about it in a book once.

Jon found a phone on the ground and called Elephant Car Insurance to get a quote for his new Skoda Superb. Bob thought this was a highly inappropriate time as he was about to pass out due to dehydration. Suddenly a wave came in and soaked both men. This was so refreshing, yet also disgusting as their mouths were filled with the taste of child urine, fecal matter and jellyfish. Jon stood up, and without wanting to embarrass himself, he pretended like he was an amateur actor, practicing for the theatrical version of Castaway. Bob was completely confused and ran into the ocean with fear. When he came back out, he could not find Jon. In rage, he killed a child. This was probably not the best response, but he felt it fitted the emotion.

Jon had wandered off to get some ice-cream, and in the process, found a secret hideaway for the ghosts of evil dictators who secretly run Blackpool Pleasure Beach. All of them were there, Mussolini, Hitler, Amin, Stalin, Hussein, Pol Pot, Lenin, Minh. Musharraf, Mugabe and Hasselhoff were also there, even though they aren't quite dead yet. Jon persuaded them to stop their beyond-the-grave atrocities by performing a dance he titled "Please Stop Your Beyond-the-Grave Atrocities Please, They Aren't Nice". Jon set the hideaway on fire because he was bored.

Bob ran around in a circle for three hours when he realised that Jon wasn't there. He did see Howard Brown from the Halifax adverts. Howard was crying because he'd been given the sack for being 'too jolly', and looking like a rapist who recently found a ship full of Rohypnol. Bob punched him in the face. Bob looked across the horizon and saw Jon in the faraway distance. He began running towards Jon, whilst flailing his arms. When he finally reached Jon, he kicked him in the balls for leaving him. Jon crumpled to the floor like a paedophile who has just been banned from the ball pit in the local play park.

Jon stood up, he was in a lot of pain. The anger began to boil inside him and he finally snapped. He took Bob's favourite eraser-ended pencil and tore the eraser off the end. Bob was unconsolable. People in the surrounding area could smell the tension brewing. Finally, it came to a head. Both men looked each other in the eye, and shit themselves. The crowd quickly dispersed, and both men called a truce. It was going to be difficult though for them to get back home from Lancashire, England. The mirror was nowhere to be seen, so they had to hitchhike. This seemed to work, however neither Jon nor Bob knew where they lived, they just, never thought about it. So they moved to Lancashire, England, and started a farm that contained only animals which were grey, and liked carbohydrates.

The End.