Jon and Bob: Christmas Eve in Calcutta

It was Christmas Eve in Calcutta. Jon and Bob were in India on a business trip. They worked for an international company that dealt in the trafficking of high grade, high class, illegal drugs from underpopulated countries to overpopulated countries. However, due to the illegal nature of the work, they had to have a cover-story. Jon and Bob were transporting 12 tonnes of tree bark into Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose International Airport, the sole airport in Calcutta. The security guard, who was dressed suspiciously like David Bowie in his Ziggy Stardust era, checked their bags and found only tree bark, but no drugs, they had hidden them well. Jon had to get patted down because the 283 rings that he wore over both his hands set off the detectors. The security guard felt a distinct bulge around Jon's left calf, he demanded to see what it was. Jon lifted his trousers to reveal a small mole that had made a nest. The guard kicked it half way across the terminal and Jon was allowed to go on.

Bob noticed a small man standing by the ladies toilets, he was a paedophile. Bob ran over to him and hit him in the face with a badminton racket that had been painted mauve as it is Bob's favourite colour. Bob felt contented with the work he had done to save the kids of the future. However, he had not realised that in his haste to get the paedophile, he trampled over 27 children, which was considered an international incident. Bob was taken into a dark room and a bright light was shone into his eyes. At first he thought he'd fallen into the Eye of Sauron from Lord Of The Rings, however he soon figured out he was being interrogated. Bob shit himself in order to buy some more time, whether it was intentional, only Bob knows.

Jon was busy looking through confectionaries in a shop when he saw Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed as the Cat in the Hat, dancing to "Barbie Girl" by Aqua. Jon fell over in excitement and lay on the ground for about twelve minutes, foaming at the mouth. He got up and realised that the seasons had changed from summer to winter. This strange celestial event happened only once every minute and a half. However, it usually just changes from a mild summer to a mild winter, so no one ever really noticed the difference. This time however, it went from a scorching summer's day to a sharp winter morning. 12 people died from instant pneumonia, it was a tragedy. Suddenly Churchill from the Churchill insurance adverts rolled past on a skateboard.
"Ohhhhhhh Shit", he said.
Jon threw a rock at Churchill and hit him on the head, killing him instantly. His head was still nodding as his body rolled into a bin.

Bob realised that one of the men interrogating him was his good friend Julian, who moved to India when he was a foetus in order to pursue his dream of becoming an airport security interrogator man. Julian did not recognise Bob however, as Bob has a strikingly forgettable face. Julian struck Bob across the check with the back of his hand.
"You little fucking shit", exclaimed Bob.
"Why do I know that voice?!" Said Julian curiously.
"It's me, Bob, you twat", scorned Bob.
Julian suddenly realised what he'd done, and in shame, he thrusted a python down his throat, choking himself to death. Bob was a little disheartened by the amount of death that had happened today, but he'd grown accustomed to it.

Jon was very pleased with what he'd done to Churchill, so he walked around the terminal with a look of pure glee on his face, knowing fine well that he'd done a good deed. He tripped over a dog that had stopped breathing. Jon hadn't a care at this point so he kicked the dog in the stomach, it skidded along the floor and into a young child's plate of chips. Jon proceeded to stroll through the terminal kicking various incapacitated animals that were in his way and simply being an all-round cool guy. Suddenly Jon turned into a piece of velvet and was attached onto a dressing gown. However whenever he turned back into Jon, he crushed the man who was wearing the dressing gown. Jon realised how dated the word "gown" is in modern society, and thought that someone should probably come up with a new word.

Bob walked out of the interrogation room to see the wake of the destruction in the terminal. Children were crying, children were dead, animals were scattered across the floor and people were fetching a nodding dog from a bin. Bob felt pleased that his compatriot has caused such a fuss while he was busy, though he did realise that quite a lot of the destruction was his own fault. Bob walked around looking for Jon but couldn't find him. Bob even blew his special whistle that Jon promised he would be at the call of; it was unsuccessful. Bob decided to look through some of the shops. He didn't see anything he wanted in the "Sloth Shoe Store", nor anything in the "Bath Salts for Dick Van Dyke" shop. He continued to scour the terminal for Jon.

Jon was loving his brand new "Padded Velveteen Trench-coat", formerly known as a dressing gown. He ran around as if he were a rich man who feared his house had been broken into at three in the morning. Jon saw Bob in the distance, and ran over to him. However Bob did not recognise him in his padded velveteen trench-coat. Bob felt threatened by a man running towards him so whenever Jon was within reach, Bob kicked him in the balls. Jon crumpled to the floor like a child who had been told that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Bob realised that it was Jon, and decided to kick him in the balls some more. Bob received a phone call at this point from Harrison Ford. Harrison had been on his back for some while now asking him whether he wanted to turn homosexual so they could have steamy jungle fun. Bob let it go to voicemail...

"Hi there, you've reached the voicemail of Bob, I can't make it right now, probably because I'm kicking Jon in the balls. If you would like to leave your name, age, address, bank details and details of your next of kin. Wait 24 hours and if I haven't got in contact with you since then, consider your life to be over. It's not my fault, you called me. Beep."

Bob lifted Jon up and they boarded the plane. Jon had a window seat, and Bob had the aisle seat, meaning that there was a seat in between them. They anticipated who it would be. Bob was praying it would not be someone who was grossly overweight, as it would cramp up the space. Jon was hoping it would not be someone who stinks, because he's allergic to bad smells. They saw a man who must have weighed forty stone, probably more. He was being transported in via a crane, Bob knew his luck was out. However the man was put in the centre of the plane, to keep the balance right. Then a man who was wearing a coat that looked like it had been soaked in urine walked down the aisle, Jon knew that this would be their man, however he walked right past. Suddenly, they both saw, and knew at the same time, the person who would be their friend for the next twenty-one hours. Jon grinned with over-bearing joy, Bob curled up with over-bearing dread as Harrison Ford proudly walked down the aisle and took the seat inbetween them. Bob was in for a long flight.

The End.